


How to Seduce a Magician

by BloodyAbattoir



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Bisexual Disaster Julian Devorak, Cheesy, Crack, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Human Disaster Julian Devorak, Humor, Julian Devorak is a Walking Disaster, Julian is a Hopeless Romantic, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Sharing a Bed, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2020-02-26 21:08:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18725026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodyAbattoir/pseuds/BloodyAbattoir
Summary: Julian tries out shitty pickup lines on the Apprentice. Apprentice is generally written as gender-neutral if at all possible.





	1. I Like Your Name

"So, Magician, what did you say your name was again?" The disgraced plague doctor asked, leaning against the doorway in an attempt to look nonchalant. 

 

You rolled your eyes. Leave it up to this disaster of a man to basically get strip searched by someone, run through half of Vesuvia avoiding the royal guard, and save your life without knowing your name. 

 

"Really, Jules? You don't know my name after all that we've been through?" 

 

"Well, ahem." He coughed, having the decency to blush away his feelings. 

 

You rolled your eyes yet again. At this rate, this boy would have you rolling your eyes so hard that they'd fall out of your skull or you got an injury from overworking them. Seeing that he wasn't suddenly having some type of epiphany as to your identity, you gently reminded him of your name, even though you'd told him perhaps a dozen times before. 

 

Upon hearing your name, a smile lit up his face. "Oh? What a lovely name!"

 

"Why thank you! I got it for my birthday!" 


	2. Can You Hold This For Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another wee cheesy line from Julian.

Julian burst into the shop while you were tidying up for the night. You distinctly remembered dousing the light outside the shop perhaps fifteen minutes beforehand, and heaved a sigh of annoyance. Apparently the rogue doctor had no concept of 'closed'. 

 

"Yes, Julian? You do realize that we're closed, right?" You ask, not bothering to look up from the counter where you were straightening out your cards, putting all of the suites back in order after a long day of readings. 

 

"Oh, but I just had a tiny favor to ask of you." He said slyly, batting his eyelashes at you.

 

"And what favor might that be?" 

 

"I wanted to go for a walk, probably see that glowing cave at night, but there's just one problem." 

 

"You're.... afraid of the dark?" 

 

"No, I've got something that I need kept safe before I go cavorting off into the wilds of Vesuvia." He said. Glancing up at him, you could see a wide grin spreading across his lips. "Will you hold on to it for me? Only for an hour or two? Please?" 

 

You rolled your eyes at him. Leave it to him to seek you out, as opposed to Mazelinka or leaving it somewhere else reasonably safe. "Fine." 

 

"Great!" He crows, grabbing your hand and interlacing your fingers. 

 

"Julian? What's this?" You ask him suspiciously. 

 

"It's what I needed you to hold on to while I go for a walk!" He beams. 

 

"....You do realize that there were many easier ways to get me to take a walk with you? Props for creativity though. Let me just finish this up and we'll go."


	3. I've Lost My Teddy Bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I've lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you instead?"

You stepped outside the shop for a moment, to sweep the front steps and douse the lantern outside. As you finished your tasks and prepared to return inside, the broom clutched in one hand, you heard pounding footsteps coming up the road, accompanied by a wheezing "Wait!" cried with such desperation that you couldn't help but turn. 

 

Flapping up the street, quite literally, was Julian, his dramatic coat flapping about like the wings of a large bird of some sort, and gangly long legs working to propel him forward. You wondered how he didn't trip over his own two overly large feet in the process. 

 

By the time he had dashed up to you, you were waiting for him, hand on your hip and eyebrows furrowed. He doubled over, gasping for air from his exertions, before getting out between breaths "I"  _gasp_ "have"  _wheeze_ "a"  _gasp "_ problem"  _cough._

 

"What is it this time, Julian? Did Nadia have her soldiers chase you all over Vesuvia  _again?_ " You ask, concern creeping into your voice. He shakes his head. Oh, it must be worse than that, then. "Did Mazelinka threaten you with the wooden spoon?" 

 

At this question, Julian visibly shudders, and a look of terror crosses his face before he manages to shake his head again. Then, he gasps out "I've lost my teddy bear." 

 

You burst out laughing so hard you fear you've ruptured something. Julian Devorak, plague doctor, count murderer, former pirate, wanted convict slept with a  _teddy bear?!_ Finally, you manage to halfway compose yourself enough to cackle out "Really Julian? That one takes the cake!" 

 

"I'm serious, witch!" He snaps at you, before softening his voice and adding "I can't sleep without cuddling something." 

 

"And just what do you want me to do about that?" You ask, simultaneously anticipating and fearing the next sentence that would come out of his mouth. 

 

"Well, I was wondering if you'd sleep with me." 

 

Your jaw drops. Sure, you'd been propositioned for sex before, but never in such a creatively pathetic way. Julian sees your expression flash between shock, horror, and perhaps a slight amount of disgust, before he quickly blurts out, "No, no. Nothing sexual. I literally just need a small spoon." 

 

"Fine, but if spooning turns to forking, Mazelinka's wooden spoon is going to seem real appealing." You warn him. He nods in response, a grin on his face. 

 

Not an hour later, you are flat on your back in your bed above the shop. Julian's arms are wrapped around your torso, pinning you firmly against him, and one long leg is thrown across your body. His face is buried in your hair, and every so often, he lets out an obnoxious snore. You roll your eyes, and silently apologize to the non-existent teddy bear who had to put up with this for so long. You wanted to squirm, and desperately needed to pee, but couldn't move a single inch from under the doctor's grasp.

 

You know that if you were to put him in the same position, he wouldn't last a minute, if the interactions between him and Faust have been anything to go by. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've got any sappy or cheesy pickup lines you'd like Julian to drop on the Apprentice, please, by all means, leave a comment at the bottom!


	4. Chapter 4

You're halfway through your weekly shopping at the market when you hear someone's voice calling your name, almost panicked. Turning, you see that it's none other than Julian Devorak, disgraced plague doctor, would-be Count killer, and all around hopeless romantic. "Yes, Julian?" 

 

He dashes up to you, wheezing for breath, and finally says, "You need to tie your shoes!"

 

Looking down, you can see that yes, one of your shoes was indeed untied. However, before you can do anything about it, Julian is on his knees in front of you, tying your shoe tightly onto your foot. You blush slightly at the thought that such a dashing man would do such a thing in public just for you, then let out a giggle at the realization that even on his knees in front of you, Julian was still nearly as tall as you were. "What exactly are you doing?" 

 

He pauses, and looks up at you with a wide grin on his face. "I'm tying your shoe of course! Actually, you know what, while I'm here, let me go ahead and re-tie the other side too." 

 

"Why though?" 

 

"Geeze, I can't have my favourite magician falling for someone else, now can I?"

 

You can only roll your eyes and laugh at his statement. 


	5. Chapter 5

This was the third morning that you'd woken up to a scratchy throat and a headache, and it would seem that no matter how much tea with milk and honey and gods only know what spices Asra tipped into it, it wasn't budging. You sighed, hoping that it would be nothing more serious than a common cold, even though the plague hadn't made its rounds in Vesuvia in well over a year. 

 

You pulled on your shoes and your coat, heading to the health clinic. Perhaps an examination by a doctor would set your mind at ease. 

 

Your feet knew the way there by heart, allowing your mind to wander. It settled, as it often did, on the crazy bastard known as Julian Devorak, and his slew of godawful pickup lines. You still weren't sure if he was interested in you, or if it was just another part of who he was, flirting with nearly everything that moved. Secretly, you weren't sure if you were supposed to feel sorry for him - his pickup lines were so cheesy, you may as well slap them on a slice of bread and have it for a light lunch. 

 

Finally, your feet had taken you through the front door of the clinic, and you were ushered into a side room after filling in a form documenting your symptoms. 

 

A few minutes later, the door opened, to none other than Julian Devorak in his white doctor's uniform, clipboard in hand. You groaned internally. 

 

"So, it says here that your complaint is a scratchy throat?" He asked, peering at the clipboard. You nod. 

 

"I see." He says, before walking around the examination table to you. He peers into your eyes, takes your pulse, fingers lingering just a little too long on your jugular, sniffs your hair, humming to himself the entire time and mumbling, 'I see' under his breath. When he finally draws back, there is a grin on his face, before he says, "I diagnose you with 'beautiful', and it's terminal!" 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

"Guards! Guards!" Julian screeched at the top of his lungs. 

 

You started for a moment, panic clutching at your heart for a minute, before you remembered that Julian was no longer a wanted man, that he was in no danger of being hung as a murderer. Yet, you questioned for a moment the logic behind his screaming for the guards. 

 

The trample of feet and clatter of armor announced the impending arrival of several of the guards of Vesuvia, swords drawn and at the ready. 

 

"Where's the danger?" One of them barks at you. 

 

You could've died on the spot when Julian pointed at you, and said, "Just look at them! It must be absolutely  _illegal_ to look that good!" 

 

Instead of arresting you, however, the guards deigned to detain Julian in the castle dungeons for wasting their time and making a false claim. You fought back a giggle at the thought of having to go secure his release from his cell. Of course, it was easy to do, considering how much Nadia liked you and Asra, but all thoughts of freeing him quickly fled your mind as you saw him locked away.

 

"What?" Julian asked, confused at the fact that instead of freeing him immediately, you started laughing at him. 

 

"You see Julian? It  _is_ illegal for  _you_ to look so good!" You chuckle at him, throwing his own words back at him. 


	7. Chapter 7

You fit the key into the lock on the front door clumsily, attempting to balance your purchases from the market awkwardly against your body. After all, you'd just gotten a fresh batch of bread, and it wouldn't do to drop it in the dirt before you'd consumed a single crumb. Feelings of loss aside, Asra probably would never let you down. 

 

Blessedly, the door swings open and you step into the interior of the shop, squinting against the darkness inside after being in the sun. A quick glance around told you that no, Asra wasn't back yet from whatever task Nadia needed his assistance with this time. All looked tidy and clean and just as you had left it. Wait a minute. You distinctly didn't remember leaving a huge hulking mass on top of the counter. 

 

A shiver goes down your spine, your mind jumping to the worst possible outcome, before your eyes adjusted just a smidge more, and you realized exactly what the mass atop your counter was. Said mass was Julian, lounging on his side, tiddies on full display, a single rose in his mouth. He spits the rose onto the floor, before declaring "Here I am! So, what were your other two wishes?" 

 

You finally find your voice, able to finally snap "Get off of my counter!" 


End file.
